Magnolia

Written 5 December 2021

Written today, 15 April 2024: I wrote the post below for my previous website over 2 years ago, there weren’t many posts over there, so I decided to copy them over to keep. I wish I had written more to document my experiences and progress, but I wasn’t capable. All of my energetic layers were in pain, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

The plan was to share what I was learning and hopefully help others. That’s been a constant purpose of mine throughout my life, to share my pain to help others and telling my truth has caused some trouble over the years. We’re not allowed to talk about those things, which made me even more determined to share.

It saddens me how offended people can be when your truth isn’t the same as theirs, especially if they were there at the same time. Many people can’t understand that we can have different opinions and truths based on our own very personal experiences of life within our bodies. Their truth or any individual’s truths are not hard facts, they’re merely your perspective.

I will continue to share to help others, even when it’s uncomfortable.

I can't believe that I can walk out of my French doors into the courtyard and bury my nose into a magnolia bloom. How lucky am I? It's not my dream tree out the front of the house that I one day want, but it's pretty bloody beautiful to have this.

I have so much beauty around me living here. It's caused an unexpected side effect, loneliness. I want to share this with someone. I want to share this beauty with someone appreciative of it, and who is as eager to create this new home as I am.

This chapter was meant to be like that, the next home was to have been mine and my ex-partners. Owned together. Finally after so much waiting and dreaming. Here I am on my own.... again. Starting over... again. There's so much hurt and disappointment within. I've wanted my own family since I was 15 and here I am at 47 taking care of my family on my own. Sure, I have a family with Conor and our cat Ziggy, but you know what I deeply mean. To have a partner to share life with and work as a team to build a wonderful life together. To support each other to succeed and achieve their goals and dreams.

Recovering and healing is messy and not linear. This home is to be the catalyst and symbol of a new future for Conor and me. I feel I've taken a few steps backwards and to the side. Still at times stuck in the cycle of abuse with my ex-partner because it's the familiar of my whole life with men. All of the significant men in my life have become abusive and/or a huge disappointment, except for one good friend.

My nervous system took an unexpected hit, the morning before the move I was stuck on the floor crying in between boxes. My system wasn't coping, my body and mind were failing me, which is so foreign to me! I've never been so unorganised. I'm the planner!!! I have a list with all possibilities considered and it gets done.... early! Not only did my world collapse in an instant, but my identity was ripped from me as well.

Before my breakdown 2 years ago now, I finished everything I started. EVERYTHING. Now, I struggle to finish so many things, big and small. I understand the power of the nervous system... as I'm writing this, I can feel my body disassociating. I'm light-headed, my skin is tingling, my body is vibrating, I can hear a high whistle. When does it end?

I've read that what caused the trauma is not your responsibility, but the healing, that is YOUR responsibility. It's not fair, is it? Someone does something so unimaginably cruel to you, then leaves you to pick up the pieces and put them back, except they're new pieces you never wanted and you have no idea where they go or what to do with them. You want the old pieces back.

I've learnt a lot about trauma during this time. Add onto that PTSD and C-PTSD, which you can't always control because your nervous system takes over and then... good luck getting that under control. Trauma creates a brain injury, your brain works in reverse, you're hyper-vigilant when you should be asleep or relaxing and when you need to be focused, your brain shuts down.

I refuse to let this define me, so each day I get up and try again, try to figure out what I can do to recover and heal, what I can do to get my mess of a life back together. Try and figure out how I'm going to make an income when I'm so all over the place. When it comes to comparisonitis, my problem isn't comparing to others, it's comparing to who I was BEFORE I was betrayed and had my heart ripped out, before the cruel event that caused the trauma. A moment in time that has forever changed my mind and nervous system. I don't where to go from here.

This is why I'm so grateful I can go out my French doors and bury my nose in the magnolias for a moment of distraction, escape and beauty... I'm so lucky I can experience joy in the tiniest of moments and here I can piece together many lovely moments throughout the day to keep me present.

Argh... the duality of life, there's so much to learn and figure out.

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