Wishing Time Away

Written 10 December 2021

Written Today 16th April 2023: Thinking back to this time, I was struggling with my physical health and didn’t know why. I was taking Prozac and that was working for me. It was a few months before my fibromyalgia diagnosis and another piece of the Jennie puzzle was put in place. I remember wishing time away, I couldn’t understand why I was struggling still, the blocks I still felt in my body. I had just moved to a beautiful little cottage, away from triggers and to start a new chapter with my son. Unexpectedly the move was traumatic and my nervous system did not cope well. I didn’t want to feel life, I couldn’t wait for bedtime so I could hide from the world in the safe cocoon of my bed.

She’s right, I didn’t trust myself then, I still had so much to more to learn. I learnt to sit with myself and feel my feelings, embody them. With the guidance of my coach Bela Crowder, I learnt to be safe in my body. I learnt to choose “Jennie First”. I learnt to love myself. From there, I learnt to trust myself, and that I won’t put myself in a dangerous situation again. I won’t allow anyone to treat me less than I deserve. What was most powerful is when you trust yourself to protect yourself, you don’t have to fear being hurt, because you know you’ve got you.

I also spent a wonderful 4 months studying meditation and ancient wisdom with davidji. This also significantly contributed to my growth and learning to be the eye of the storm, the grounded centre amongst the chaos. I can attest it’s a beautiful way to live. I choose peace and it’s from that place I make my life decisions.

Do I still wish time away? No, I wish it would slow down! This year, I’m finally feeling more “normal” with minimal fibromyalgia pain, fatigue and brain fog. I have so much to do to build my profile and business, but I still have to manage my energy and pace myself. I still fear that I’ll do something to trigger a flare-up. I fear I won’t get everything done. It’s a balance and I’m learning how to juggle it more each day as my health also improves. For the first time in over 5 years, I’m excited for the future.

“Life is beautiful, but you have to accept the good and the bad as being beautiful.” - Mike Tyson

Looking in the bathroom mirror tonight, I was happy with what I saw reflected back at me. A face that despite all it has experienced (especially the last few years), is still hopeful, still strong and believes in the woman behind it, believes in her abilities and her potential. What I connected with most were my tired beautiful blue eyes that are still able to twinkle, although mixed with the tinge of knowing sadness. I've learnt the kindest people are often the ones who have experienced the most challenges in life.

As I stepped away, I felt such a strong longing to wish away time... wish it away as quickly as possible. It's a familiar feeling for me now. If time passes quickly, the pain will pass quicker. The getting to the other side will arrive sooner. Another week is gone, good. Yet another gone, great. This week is nearly over, fabulous. Now it's a month, woo hoo. It feels like getting away with something, getting away with life... not facing it, avoiding the pain of what has happened, this new "norm" that was forced on me without my consent.

Reading that back, it sounds like I'm avoiding, avoiding, avoiding, but what am I avoiding? Why do I wish time would speed up and swallow my life? If I figure that out, then maybe I can "fix" it?

Maybe I don't want to feel. I'm scared to be hurt again.

Maybe I'm scared of other people. I'm scared to be hurt again.

Maybe I don't trust myself. If I can't trust myself, how can I trust myself to protect me from people who can't be trusted? I'm scared to be hurt again.

Maybe I don't trust other people... in fact, I KNOW I don't trust other people. I'm scared to be hurt again.

I'm not ready to be in that vulnerable space required to ... I'm scared I'll be hurt again.

I discovered a snippet of an interview with Mike Tyson today... this is the rough transcript...

"Life is beautiful, but you have to accept the good and the bad as being beautiful. To can't just accept the good, aww this is beautiful and then we lose somebody and awww our life sucks. Life is beautiful because life gives us the ability to just know them on our journey of life. We met them. We loved them. We cared about them. They cared about us. That's the purpose of life. Just enjoy what we had. Our journey through it. .....Sometimes we don't understand it. What is this thing? What is my purpose? Why am I here? Why do I have to go through this pain? Why do I have to go through this fear all of the time? Why can't it just be peaceful all of the time? THEN IT WOULDN'T BE LIFE. We have to take life at its terms. Life on life terms, not our life on our terms. We have to live life on life terms." ~Mike Tyson.

<You can watch the Mike Tyson Video HERE>

How do I love life when I'm so damn scared I'll be hurt again??

I'm wishing my life away, to avoid pain and being hurt again. How do I accept this life as beautiful, on life's terms?