What is The Butterflying of Me?

It sounds so beautiful... to become a butterfly, but you're very mistaken if you believe that the metamorphosis of that cute plump little caterpillar to become the worlds most adored insect is easy.

{If you'd like to read the science on how to become a butterfly... click here.} Trust me, it's not pretty.

The metamorphosis is what happened and is still happening to me and at it's deepest, it was ugly, oh so ugly. I lost my identity very quickly and in a cruel way. {I won't go into it, it's too painful and I don't want to relive it right now}.

It's been such a process, I've spent a lot of time in the "cocoon", especially with Sydney's Covid Lockdowns, which were actually a blessing for us. When I moved to our current apartment {myself and my son Conor}, I loved that it felt like a safe place, a cave or a treehouse and it eventually became our cocoon where I fell apart and had to scoop up all the sludge and slime through so many tears to rebuild myself.

I don't want to focus too much on the negative, it's been a very hard 2.5 years starting with Conor's father having an accident that left him quadriplegic, then a personal event that absolutely tore my heart out, shattered my dreams, threatened my safety and left me with PTSD, which led me to have to relive my childhood to understand my adult patterns... it's been a barrel of monkeys!! So as soon as I think back, my nervous system starts to say 'no way Jose', my chest tightens, my breath becomes shallow and I feel unsafe.

I've had so many wonderful things, experiences, lessons and people happen during this time, that's what I'll focus on most for now - the beautiful brutiful butterflying part.

So yes, of course where such heartbreak happens, there's opportunity for growth, but when you're in that sticky sludgy stage, you can't see your way out. Finally I'm creeping over to the other side of this and I've found my beautiful wings. They're still unfurling, stretching out and settling into my shoulders, learning how hold me up taller than ever, but they're there now. I'm standing here on my own, confidently in my space, owning my space and preparing to fly to new places with these beautiful radiant rainbow wings.

I'd like to say, thank you for being here and I hope whatever you're going through in life that we can help each other somehow, after all "we're all just walking each other home" ~Ram Dass.